Oh, for the holy love of rice, I was ecstatic when this movie was finally over. Ugh, just thinking about this movie to write the review is enough to give me a throbbing brain aneurysm. Crappy story, terrible acting, lots of dudes and lots of chicks that look like dudes. WARNING: the following post reviews X-Treme Fighter, which may result in vomiting, blood loss, optic nerve damage, loss of bowel control and permanent and severe damage to the brain's frontal lobe. Be wary, readers.
Sci-Fighter, aka X-Treme Fighter (2004)
Directed by: Art Camacho
Starring: Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, Cynthia Rothrock, Lorenzo Lamas (Turn back now!)
"Wait, two different titles? It's like covering pig droppings in mule piss and calling it Time Cop!"
The plot begins with Don "The Dragon" Wilson in a piss-poor exhibition fight, which is immediately followed by an hour and thirty minutes of garbage as the martial artist manages to deplete any and all respect I had for him (there was hardly any there to begin with, believe me). His 70-something year old father is a video game/virtual reality computer programmer; this guy looked like he could barely wipe himself while sitting down, much less program an entirely 3D VR-world. This plot point alone should have been the red alert to shut this movie down, but I trudged on, like a damn fool.
So the grandfather programs a video game for his grandson, Don Wilson's smart-ass douche son, and something electrical traps the douche son in this not VR-world. Oh, did I mention that Lamas plays a government agent who trains using the granddad's VR-world? No? Good, because that plot line is completely useless. Seriously, the movie addressed nothing with that storyline...I wouldn't even call it a "storyline", I'd call it a paragraph they forgot to delete from the final draft of the screenplay. Wait, "screenplay"? No, that term is too good for this movie. I would guess the final draft of this movie was written on the back of a Denny's menu with those shitty crayons they try to push on you. For god's sake, fork out the extra penny to get some Crayolas!!So Don Wilson goes after his douche son to rescue him in this "use your imagination, they didn't even attempt to make it virtual reality" world. Now, this movie was made in 2004, not 1904. Are we really suppose to believe that an intricate 3D simulation, with AI intelligence AND multiple landscapes can sustain itself within a Nintendo Gamecube (yes, that was the prop)? ON BATTERY POWER!?! FOR 90 MINUTES???!!! **baseball bats the nearest antique lamp**
The Actors and Their Dialogue
Are you seriously still reading this? Really? Alright, I'll move on. The actors, or everyone in the real world and the martial arts bosses in the game, were all real martial arts masters. As lame as that is, it was the coolest thing in this movie by a hundred f*cking miles. Athletes in movies is always a risky move; now while I consider martial artists "athletes", they need to stay the hell away from film.
With what strength I had left, I still managed to guffaw at the concrete and emotionless banter that these "movie-makers" called dialogue. Everything was forced, like it was a court-ordered sentence for these people to be in the movie. Although a step up in production from L.A. Streetfighters, X-Treme Fighter still utilized the "record actors separately, then edit it to make it look like they're in the same room" approach. It was so bad, with the movie still playing, I actually left the room to do some other stuff and then came back, not caring what I'd missed.
Wow. You're still here? Amazing.
Now, one would think that, "Hey, we got all these martial artists, and although they're just absolutely terrible actors, the fight scenes will be really good, am I right?" No, sir, you could not be more dead wrong. Most of the fight scenes on screen were shot from the shoulder up, so although their appendages are flailing, they really weren't hitting anybody hard, or anybody at all from my perspective. Are these martial artists satisfied with the way this movie came out? I mean it looked like any 600-pound, trailer-dwelling pageant girl's mother could nail these feats with only 2 XL Slurpees under her arms! I wish these guys could realize how ridiculous they looked in this movie, but no one will ever see it...they will never know. **loses respect for the sport**
I have to give a shout-out for Vince DiCola, the composer for this movie. You've seen his work in Transformers: The Animated Movie and Rocky IV. Vince, if you're reading this, I'm sorry this movie stole your identity and plagiarized your music. It sucks when these producers just throw names into the credits and expect people to buy that. I knew you would never have ANYTHING to do with this movie. **Truth calls, lets Trehern down, severe depression follows**
Final Thoughts
Well, you made it through this bloody car wreck of a review. Now listen, when you see "X-Treme Fighter" on the ENCORE listing, you record it cause the info sounds good. What could go wrong, right? Uggghhhhhh.... Stay clear of anything Don "The Dragon" Wilson is in. Please. If there is anything starring real martial artists, bash in the TV, destroy the cable box and all connections to the wall lest that stinking pile of buffalo bile seep into anybody else's household. I promise, with Van Damme as my witness, for the rest of March Movie Madness, I will NOT review a movie with Don "The Dragon" Wilson in it. **walks away shamefully from the computer, sets pile of electronics on fire**
Notes: For thoughts on BloodFist I and II, starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson, check out Ben's What I've Been Watching, Episode 3. Disregard his dismissive comments of martial arts movies.
3 comments:
This sounds absolutely wretched. I can't believe you made it all the way through. Kudos to you, sir.
I went back and watched that "What I've Been Watching" video. Man, that seems like it was so long ago...
Yeah, the movie was turrible. But I've written up Dune and DeepStar 6, and those were both watchable.
Wowzers, you are pissed off. This reminds me of when we watched D2: Dragon Wars or whatever that movie was called.